What do you do with existential ennui? At my age, most people would be inclined to call it a mid-life crisis and buy a sports car but, given the proclivity of women in my family to live to a ripe old age and the advances of modern medicine, I think I'm really only a third of the way through my life expectancy. I'm not quite sure that third-of-the-way-life-crisis is a term that has much potential for catching on, however, there's still this feeling I have to deal with. It seems a bit silly, when one is in her early 40's, to ask "what do I want to be when I grow up?" yet here I am, pondering this question nonetheless.

As I examine different areas of my life to take stock of what I've accomplished, created or simply arrived at, I am largely displeased. It's not that I haven't done things, plenty of them good, in the course of my four decades on this planet, but there's some nagging feeling I have that at this point some of these things should be adding up in a way that they just don't. In my younger days I looked to others - friends, distinguished alumnae of my alma mater, colleagues, etc. - as a yard stick to measure whether or not I was succeeding in life. A major point of growth came when I realized that no one's definition of success mattered except for mine, and for a while even coming to that realization felt like a major accomplishment. But now, as I consider what shape it is that I want my life to take, I am both filled with questions and haunted by disappointments.

Let's look at my practice of the Craft as an illustrative example. Coming relatively late in life to Paganism, and witchcraft in particular, I absorbed everything I could and started formal training at the first opportunity. I discovered and developed skills, nurtured and delighted in particular talents, and for a while all was well. Somewhere along the way I began to feel that my beliefs and experiences were leading me in a different direction than where I had started and I planned to pursue training in a particular tradition that felt like the right way to get where I wanted to go. This, as it turned out, wasn't destined to be after all. And then, my practice lagging a bit more with every week that passed, I became a lapsed Wiccan. Which is a shame really, because I have tremendous potential to be a very good witch indeed. I suppose in my defense is the fact that being a solitary is, well, solitary, and not always easy without a great deal of discipline. Story of my life - but that's better left to be told as the story of my life and not my story as a witch

Before I even knew I was a witch, I had been an incredibly powerful broadcaster. I was capable of raising tremendous amounts of energy and drawing to me the things that I needed. Oddly, once I became aware of what it was that I had been doing all those years, I stopped being as effective with the application of the skill, as if my conscious awareness of it rendered it less powerful. Was I messing with my own success?

One of my earliest experiences with the magickal arts came when I learned to read tarot from a friend who was a professional reader, astrologer and author. Fed by interest my in symbology, which I'd developed during my art historical studies, I had an avid interest in tarot and quickly became an extremely intuitive and uncannily accurate reader. I read cards for my friends all the time and, after moving from San Francisco to Boston, considered hanging out a shingle and doing readings to supplement my freelance income. Did I do this? No. Silly woman. And to make matters worse, I lost my ability to read for a while when I took a tarot class with the intention of learning a different perspective on the cards. There is a reason why people say if it ain't broke don't fix it. I shouldn't have messed with a good thing.

In the course of my training in the Craft I discovered that I was a natural shaman. I hadn't thought I would enjoy our shamanic exercises, much less become very good at them. I had hoped to build my practice around these skills and even apply them in service to others. Yet once class was over, despite offering to undertake shamanic journeys for some friends of mine, I never had or created opportunities to hone my shamanic skills, and eventually I even stopped journeying for myself. Despicable laziness. So easy to create excuses and justifications. It's called practice for a reason!

I always wanted to be one of those witches who knew all of the magickal meanings for herbs and other things and could just whip up a potion or a charm from my abundantly stocked magickal cabinet. This desire went the way of becoming a jam-making fiend or a baker extraordinaire. Nigella Lawson I am not. Nor have I managed to become little Suzie Spellcaster. It wouldn't have been difficult. Books on the subject are plenty and readily available. I have friends who are good at these things that would certainly have given me pointers. I'm sure I could have found a class or two or more. I'm wont to quote here the immortal words of Nike (the sports company, not winged victory, alas). Just. Do. It. So why is that even though I am acutely aware of the effectiveness of this advice, I just can't?

These fits and starts I've experienced as a witch are indicative of the way I've seemed to move through other areas of my life. Career. Relationships. Two steps forward, one step back. Yikes, this time it's three! I feel like the Four of Pentacles, clutching on to the things that I have before they get away because at this stage in the game I can't afford to lose any of my hard-won pentacles. But how did I go from being the confident Nine to the paranoid Four? How did I squander such promise and so many opportunities? Or perhaps the better question is, why? How is it that I woke up to my forties filled with such ennui?

Some of these questions I may not be able to answer. If I get mired in the attempt I may be forever stuck. Instead, I think the way for me to deal with the situation is to make a short list of things to do and just do them. Really. Not big things but small, meaningful things, the accomplishing of which will make me feel better and may even start me on the path toward finding the sense of fulfillment that has been so illusive of late.

For example:

1. Plant some flowers and some herbs on my back deck. The last time I really felt like an effective witch was when I planted bulbs in the yard of my boyfriend's house in Connecticut. My dahlias are growing wonderfully, and the one by my fairy fountain has three buds on it. If I can do it once, I can do it again. And it's a much shorter trip to my back deck than to Connecticut.

2. Develop a recipe for magickal cupcakes. I love cupcakes. It's an odd and utterly inexplicable fascination with a childish pastry. I found the recipe for the famous Magnolia cupcakes and made a batch myself. They were the best cupcakes I've ever tasted. So, I'm going to treat myself to a Kitchen Aid mixer and I'm going to get mixing. Maybe I'll make Happy Cupcakes or Love Cupcakes or Hope Cupcakes. We'll see. But they will be good. They will be beautiful. And they will be effective.

3. Start writing again. I know, I've been writing this blog. But I mean Writing, with a capital W. I've been a writer my whole life. When I was a little girl I wrote books about fairies and bound and illustrated them myself. I was a prolific writer of short stories throughout college. The first question everyone asked me at the one and only high school reunion I attended was whether I had published a book yet. So, it's time to rediscover one of the truest parts of myself and take up the proverbial pen. Maybe I'll become the Candace Bushnell of the 40's set. Maybe I'll have a story published in The New Yorker. Whatever the ultimate outcome, the trick is to write every day. This is a piece of advice that many writers will share with you, and where I've been lacking in discipline as a witch I plan to be more dedicated as a writer.

4. Design and program my own blog. While I've become fairly proficient writing html and making small adjustments here and there to Blogickal's layout and design, I had someone else design and set up the original site itself. Granted, I am an excellent creative director and the end result was exactly what I wanted, representing my personality and the sensibility of my fun with witchcraft approach. But my blog software is outdated and so is my blog. It's time to make Blogickal the blog that I need now - a place for me to explore more than just magick. Doing this myself is turning out to be a bit of a big thing because figuring out Movable Type 4 is a bit like deciphering the Rosetta stone. But I am determined.

This is my short list. Four things.

Soon, I hope, you will see the fruits of my efforts. I hope that all of you who have so kindly read Blogickal over the past three years will find enough interest in its new direction to continue to do so. I'm forever amazed and flattered by your attention. And for those of you who recently told me I was missed, bless your hearts (okay, I sound like my grandmother now!).

Maybe some day I'll wake up and the ennui will be eradicated. Perhaps along the way I'll discover the kind of witch I'm meant to be. I can only hope. Cupcake anyone?

Posted by Angela-Eloise at 12:48 PM | Comments (8)

So, I built an avatar to reflect what I WISH I were doing today, which is hanging out on a beach somewhere, relaxing somewhere that is NOT the city, somewhere fun and summery and AWAY.

I've been feeling this way for a couple of weeks now. I need to find myself a beach house. Do you think it's possible to find enough change in the sofa cushions for that?

Posted by Angela-Eloise at 11:01 AM | Comments (3)

I've come across some perfume in my time that truly is repellent, but mostly repellent to myself and other humans.

When I started to prepare for the party I'll be attending tonight and was warned not to wear any perfume or hairspray or I'd end up a bug buffet, I remembered seeing Christopher Brosius' concoction Outside somewhere online and thought "aha!" Perfume to repel bugs! Perfect!

Christopher Brosius' company CB I Hate Perfume is based on the premise that "Scent is Life." The title was created with tongue firmly planted in cheek I suspect because it's obvious that Christopher has brought his love affair with scent to the business of creating wonderful, hand-blended perfumes. And as with most clever products, these are displayed on a clever website, filled with pithy quotes and sensory-tingling descriptions.

On the perfume with the power to repel bugs. The description for Outside begins with:

“One is much nearer the simple life living at the Ritz and touching a bell than lying like sardines, cooking meals and avoiding cow pats.”



Cecil Roberts, Gone Rustic

If I'll be avoiding any pats tonight they will be of the equine variety. But, armed (and legged) with Outside, which smells delightfully of Lavender, Bergamot, Geranium, Marigold, Oregano, Cedarwood & Patchouli, I feel confident that bugs will be kept at bay.

As for humans, I will have to wait to see if Outside is as alluring, say, as Chanel No. 5. But Christopher probably hates Chanel No. 5.

Posted by Angela-Eloise at 1:12 PM | Comments (5)

Tonight I am going to a party on a horse farm in Westchester County, New York.

I get to wear a wonderful, 50's-style shirtwaist dress I bought years ago that finally fits again. And in my closet full of shoes, wouldn't you know that there was nothing to go with the dress that didn't have heels destined to sink into mud or worse. The other day I went on a shoe-seeking mission and finally found a pair of espadrilles on sale at the last of probably twenty places I went looking for appropriate flat-bottomed summery shoes. Who would have known that in early June, when the weather is only just getting warm enough to wear them, that sandals have been replaced on shoe store shelves with shoes for Autumn?

It's threatening to rain tonight. If so, I'll be dancing in the grass in my bare feet, given espadrilles proclivity to fall apart when wet (I know this from personal experience). What fun!

Posted by Angela-Eloise at 11:20 AM | Comments (0)

These mandalas were made from photos of various plants that were blooming in Connecticut when I was there last weekend to visit. The Mountain Laurel in particular was especially stunning and I was lucky to see it because it blooms for about a week and then goes away until next year. The hill behind the house was covered with it.

Fox Run

Fox Run Sun

Mountain Laurel Mandala

With these beautiful blossoms as role models, my fledgling little dahlias should do very well.

Posted by Angela-Eloise at 1:31 PM | Comments (1)

Yes folks, I'm back in the mandala making business.

This mandala is made from a photo of one of the dahlias I planted a number of weeks ago during my first foray into gardening. Most of the dahlias I planted are sprouting, but this one is flourishing far beyond the others. I'm convinced it's because of the fairy bath I put at it's base. Let me explain.

This dahlia and all of the gladiolus I planted are along a fence at the edge of the yard. The landscaper who comes to mow would have no way of knowing that the tender shoots coming up there were anything different from grass until it was too late, so I took some rocks from the surrounding woods and indicated where the edges of my "garden" are. The center seemed to call for a keystone, so after I planted one of the dahlias there I took some broken pieces of a birdbath that was decorated with cherubs and other rococo-inspired details and more or less reassembled them in front of my dahlia, hoping the fairies might come to use the bath and keep my dahlia safe. I would say my efforts are working.

This act of planting flowers, creating a fairy bath, and delighting in the progress as the sprouts of my labor are actually showing progress is the first I've come to feeling like a good witch in a very long time.

When the dahlia blooms, I promise to share.

Posted by Angela-Eloise at 8:41 AM | Comments (3)

The past couple of weeks have been busy for me. With much work keeping me at it from early in the morning into each evening, I haven't spent much time in the blogosphere. I was barely able to crank out a New Moon post. But this afternoon I had a bit of down time and managed to make the rounds of some of my favorite blogs. So many smart and clever Pagans out there! I thought I'd share a few of my favorite snippets.

First there was the ennui of Henri. Now we have Sylvan's Sea of Ennui:

It's so boring to be in the Sea of Ennui,
Where the waves are all grey and smell faintly of pee,

But better to sail than to stay in Angst-Town,

Where the dread Emo Marshlands have cut themselves down.

After musing about the deep magickal and philosophical significance of a visitation of a blue jay, I am much relieved that meanings are revealed by Evn, the Lover of Strife:

Nature happens, whether we witness it or not. And we're a part of Nature, not its masters or its impartial commentators. Snakes shed their skins, and trees lose their leaves, and stray cats kill the birds you were admiring seconds before. Occasionally, these things occur in the right place at the right time in front of the right Witch, and when this happens the inherent implication is immediately and abundantly clear.

But if you have to ask; if you have to rely on someone else to transcribe the event and come up with a customized moral; if you need an outside source to legitimize how Pagan you are...



...then it didn't mean anything at all.

That Anne Johnson, who just tickles me pink, reminds us why democracy doesn't work:

H.L. Mencken was right. Democracy doesn't work because stupid people vote stupidly.

So, jot that down in your history notes, kids. Our nation's politics are more complicated now than they were when the whole fuckin' shootin' match split in two, and then both sides fought over it for four years.

Moron. Moron. Moron.

I've got two more treatments to go. Next time I will wear my full Pagan regalia, if for no other reason than it might help me not to become infected with idiocy.

You have to read the whole post to really get the joke. Sadly, it's not really a joke, even though it's funny. Sort of. Maybe. Not really.

So, if like Anne you are praying that the Democrats win the election this Autumn, stupid voters notwithstanding, or you are praying that the news that GM has discontinued sales of the ridiculous Hummer is a harbinger of things to come, or you are praying that you will find a new place to live that you like and can afford, or that the love of your life will wake up and smell the coffee, this prayer, presented to us by the divine Sera Beak, covers any of the bases I can think of. Dear Goddess I hope so:

“Dear Goddess, You who never kill but only change:

I pray that my exuberant, suave and accidental words will move you to shower ferocious blessings down on everyone who reads this benediction.

I pray that you will give them what they don’t even know they want – not just the boons they think they need but everything they’ve always been afraid to even imagine or ask for.

Dear Goddess, You wealthy anarchist burning heaven to the ground:

Many of the divine chameleons out there don’t even know that their souls will live forever. So please use your blinding magic to help them see that they are all wildly creative geniuses too big for their
own personalities.

Guide them to realize that they are all completely different from what they think they are and more exciting than they can possibly imagine.

Make it illegal, immoral, irrelevant, unpatriotic and totally tasteless for them to be in love with anyone or anything that’s no good for them.

O Goddess, You who give us so much love and pain mixed together that our morality is always on the verge of collapsing:

I beg you to cast a boisterous love spell that will nullify all the dumb ideas, bad decisions and nasty conditioning that have ever cursed the wise and sexy virtuosos out there.

Remove, banish, annihilate and laugh into oblivion any jinx that has clung to them, no matter how long they’ve suffered from it, and even if they’ve become accustomed or addicted to its ugly companionship.

And please conjure an aura of protection around them so that they will receive an early warning if they are ever about to act in such a way as to bring another hex or plague or voodoo into their lives in the future.

Dear Goddess, sweet Goddess, You sly universal virus with no fucking opinion:

I pray that you will help all the personal growth addicts out there become disciplined enough to go crazy in the name of creation, not destruction.

I pray that you will teach them the difference between oppressive self-control and liberating self-control, awaken in them the power to do the half-right thing when it is impossible to do the totally right thing.

Arouse the Wild Woman within them — even if they’re men.

And please give them bigger, better, more original sins and wilder, wetter, more interesting problems.

Dear Goddess, You pregnant slut who scorns all mediocre longing:

I pray that you will inspire all the compassionate rascals communing with this prayer to love their enemies just in case their friends turn out to be jerks.

Provoke them to throw away or give away all the things they own that encourage them to believe that they are better than anyone else.

Show them how much fun it is to brag about what they cannot do and do not have.

Most of all, Goddess, brainwash them with your freedom so that they never love their own pain more than anyone else’s pain.

Dear Goddess, You psychedelic mushroom cloud at the center of all our brains:

The curiously divine human beings reading this prayer deserve everything they are yearning for and much, much more.

So please bless them with lucid dreams while they are wide awake and solar-energy-operated sex toys that work even in the dark and vacuum cleaners for their magic carpets and a knack for avoiding other people’s hells and their very own 900 number so that everyone has to pay to talk to them and a secret admirer who is not a psychotic stalker.

Dear Goddess, You fiercely tender, hauntingly reassuring, orgiastically sacred feeling that is even now running through all of our soft, warm animal bodies:

I pray that you provide everyone out there with a license to bend and even break all rules, laws and traditions that keep them apart from the things they love.

Show them how to purge the wishy-washy wishes that distract them from their daring, dramatic, divine desires.

And teach them that they can have anything they want if they’ll only ask for it in an unselfish way.

And now dear God of Gods, God beyond all Gods, Girlfriend of God, Teacher of God, Goddess who invented God, I bring this prayer to a close, trusting that in these mysterious moments you have begun to change everyone out there in the exact way they’ve needed to change in order to express their soul’s code.

Amen. Awomen. And glory halle-fucking-lujah.”

-Rob Breszny

Because life is too short.

Love and blessings to you all.

Posted by Angela-Eloise at 10:34 PM | Comments (0)

We will have a New Moon in Gemini today, Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008, at 3:23 PM EDT.

Gemini, © 2008 MirrorCradle

I've never known quite what to make of Gemini. Sometimes it makes me think of that Push-Me-Pull-You animal from a cartoon I used to watch as a kid. While I appreciate Gemini's ability to see all sides of the story, as an empath I do that anyway so Gemini tends to throw me into a spiral of indecision. This is the down side to Gemini's dualistic nature. My Venus happens to be in Gemini, which I've been told makes me inclined to be fickle. Gee, I don't know, what do you think?

Cafe Astrology says:

The Taurus New Moon cycle ends and the Gemini New Moon cycle begins. The New Moon in Gemini cycle is a good time to commit to personal goals that express the positive energies of the sign of the Twins. It's time to improve our communication skills by listening to others and enjoying others' points of view, rather than doggedly seeking to find that one elusive "answer". This is a good cycle under which to re-evaluate our communication and social skills by questioning just how much we actually take in information, and communicate in a friendly, non-threatening manner. With this potent Gemini energy, we have the chance to make important changes in our lives. This New Moon is supported by Venus and Mars, offering us the gumption to begin anew, and the charm and concern for others to interact successfully.

It's sweet that Cafe Astrology optimistically guides us to use Gemini energy to improve communication and social skills, when she knows full well that we are in Mercury Retrograde. Talk about Push-Me-Pull-You! Gemini is ruled by Mercury, so while we're focused on communication to the max, we have to be prepared for snafus. Which way will you get pulled today? We're certainly in a bit of a Catch-22 since New Moon energy is all about beginnings as we go into a waxing cycle, yet Mercury Retrogrades are usually a time of re-evaluation rather than starting anew.

One positive aspect of Mercury Retrograde is that it can help you circle back to things you thought you'd lost. Since we're all about communication today, maybe it's time to pick up the phone and call that friend you haven't talked to in a while. You'd be surprised - maybe she's been hoping you would call all along.

With Venus and Mars on our side, we do have other energies to balance the effect of Mercury's wonkiness, but it depends on you, what's in your chart, and how you tend to respond to these energies. Personally, I'd go for channeling Venus' loving kindness to keep me from saying something I'll regret. Since I tend to have a quick tongue and the temper to go with it, I don't need any help from fiesty Mars. But maybe you could use some of that "gumption" to say something you feel is important.

If you'd like to strengthen the Earthy grounding properties of Venus, use things that are green or pink. Copper is her metal and she loves roses. Put on a big old piece of turquoise. A turquoise necklace would bring that energy to your throat chakra - the place where your voice comes from.

If it's Mars' help you need, he's all about the red. His metals are iron and steel, and peppers or anything hot or stimulating will appeal to this fire-lovin' guy. Red stones are good to wear if you want to channel Mars.

Unfortunately, Mercury Retrograde has been packing it's usual technological wallop for me. I'm in the midst of trying to get an email blast out for work and everything that can go wrong with the programming of this project has. Note to self: Never, EVER, plan email blasts during Mercury Retrograde again. On second thought, let's just make the rule of thumb that while Mercury is Retrograde I'm not going to do much of anything. Just sit around with my computer off and my mouth shut.

Today, I'm mostly going to try to stay focused on work and I'm going to go through my code with a fine-toothed comb. Perhaps this afternoon, I'll take a nap. Naps are good. They have nothing to do with Gemini or Mercury, they're just good. And after my nap, maybe I'll go have a glass of wine at one of my neighborhood haunts and listen to the bartender for a change.

Posted by Angela-Eloise at 8:57 AM | Comments (3)