Mark Morford, regular columnist for SFGate.com, the online San Francisco Chronicle, is my favorite columnist in the whole wide world. He has a singular wit and biting sarcasm, and when I grow up I want to be just like him (well, except for the being a boy part). In his regular column, notes & errata, Mark "writes about politics, pop culture, sex, music, design, a wry and punch-drunk universe, vibrators, scotch, media, spirituality and small European cars. And sometimes, parrots."

Today's column is one of the best yet: Is Bush Really The Devil? Satan has better taste in shoes. Is far sexier. Can actually spell 'Venezuela.' I mean, come on

If it didn't violate copyright laws, I would paste the entire article here for you to read. It's that good! Instead, I'll offer you a few of my favorite bits and encourage you to read the whole thing on your own.

It's a delightfully common appraisal, this Bush-is-the-Devil thing, one I hear frequently from my otherwise highly intelligent, liberal brethren. But is George W. Bush really Satan? Was he really sent to us by an angry and sighing God(dess) to test our ability to suffer toxic GOP fools with greater humor and more sex and good scotch? Let us examine the evidence.

Let us turn, for a moment, to Milton's epic poem "Paradise Lost," perhaps the most heavily canonized and lovingly detailed examination of the underworld and its enraged minions, where Satan cuts, quite simply, one hell of a figure.

Here is Lucifer, a massive, thunderous hero, subtle and intelligent and enormously articulate, full of passion and red-hot anarchy, the ultimate rebel. He is often seen reclining in his cavernous, rocky lair, lying on his side, all muscled godlike beauty and ruined glory and deep seduction and heat. He is just terribly, wonderfully alluring.

See? Right there, already we're a galaxy away from Dubya. Bush, of course, has no such magnificence. Bush is small and quivery and eats his vanilla pudding with a fork. While Satan orates and philosophizes at great intellectual length, Dubya can't even sit still during an entire State of the Union address without fidgeting and moving his upper body back and forth like a little metronome, twitching and squirming like a child.

In Milton, the glorious angel Lucifer's incredible act of defiance, his stunning rebellion against God, marks him as not merely proud and insolent but powerfully courageous. After all, Satan chooses to endure unbelievable suffering for the sake of his independence, rather than endure numb cubicle-like servility in heaven. Also, hell has better booze. Cooler dance clubs. Less insufferable harp music. That sort of thing.

And lo, here is Bush. Dubya is, everyone agrees, a bit of an intellectual midget. He is a champion of sameness and mediocrity and unquestioned obedience, a hero to absolutely no one with a functioning soul, the cubicle personified.

Is this really the mark of the Beast? Verily I say unto thee, it is not.

The Devil smells of sulphur and fire. Bush smells of cow pies and stale beer. The Devil is wickedly, tremendously deceptive, bending entire armies of lowly demons to his will. Bush cleverly enflamed armies of lemming-like evangelical Christians to vote for him by way of gay bashing and woman bashing and fear, through the snarling machinations of his very own shiny Moloch, Karl Rove. It's a worthy comparison.

But alas, it is not enough. There is no majesty to Dubya. No real heat, depth, grand intellectual power to his evilness. Bush is to a real Lucifer what a rat terrier is to a werewolf, what Jack Daniel's is to a pure single malt, what a heat lamp is to global warming: A pale wannabe. A weak imitation, trying hard to scorch your soul but only managing a bit of a rug burn.

Sorry Mr. Chávez, but Bush is no Devil: He is not nearly capable enough, sexy enough, charming enough, debauched or gloriously ruined enough. Bush cannot possibly fill the Devil's gorgeous, tragic Prada shoes. He's far more akin to something to be scraped from the bottom of them.

Make sure to check out the archive of Recent Notes & Errata for other fabulous and wonderful writing by Mark Morford. And be sure not to miss the reader quotes in the right-hand column for some of the best unintentional hilarity on the web (intentionally chosen for that purpose, I'm sure).

Posted by Angela-Eloise at 10:10 AM